Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
