I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
