fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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