Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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