hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
