the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize