My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
