hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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