If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
