She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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