I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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