It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
