I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
