Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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