he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
