Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
