she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I touched a dick in church today
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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