In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
