I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
