Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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