I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
someone owes me an orgasm
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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