I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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