My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Enjoy the penises
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
