i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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