1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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