...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
