im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
