Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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