he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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