my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
