I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
