I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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