bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
