There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize