I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
