After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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