Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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