Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
