i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm like, not good at living.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
