Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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