he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
