my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
