It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
