woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
