dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
