The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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