i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
