I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
