I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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