You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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