OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
