Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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