The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize