Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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