well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
