I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
