this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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