Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
